Fate, God and My Friend Jeff

It's been quite some time since I've updated this. Partly due to the fact that we have more going on than I would like most of the time, mostly due to the fact that I'm lazy but also because I knew what I wanted to talk about in this thread but not really how to go about it. It could be a sensitive subject for some and I really don't want to offend certain people if they should happen to come by here. I need to write it out though if only to work through my own thoughts on these issues.

When last I wrote, I told of a friend of mine that I had recently reconnected with that was going through treatment for brain cancer. I got to see my friend for the first time in 9 years in April. It was nice to see him and his family again. Unfortunately, the cancer spread his spine soon afterward. He passed away in August.
Jeff was a good man. My life was better from having known him. He was the kind of friend I wish I could be to those that would call me a friend.

My wife and I attended his memorial service. It was a little surprising to me to find that Jeff had become very active in his church. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't a wild man in college or anything. I just never really saw any indication that he was a deeply religious man. (This came about before the cancer for those cynical people that may be reading.) Was this something that came after I knew him or was it always there as a personal belief? His family was also active in the church and his wife was dealing with her loss much better than I would be able to in her place. She credited her faith as a large reason for this.

I think of myself as a spiritual person, I do believe in a creator and an afterlife, but I have a hard time believing in many things churches teach. I would never think less of anyone that is a church goer though. If it helps somebody feel more complete in their life and isn't hurting anyone else I'm all for it. I don't like to be preached to, but I do very much like to discuss these types of things with people. Not because I like to argue, which I do, but because I think it's always good to keep an open mind on almost anything. The day you think you can't learn something new is the day you stop really living.

Something that was said in the service got me thinking of God and fate though. You often hear people talk about God's plan. Especially when a loved one has passed. Some people take solace in these sentiments. While I can see that it might give some comfort to those that have just lost a loved one, there are those that fully believe those sentiments with every fiber of their being. This I don't understand and it gets to the heart of one of my bigger issues with organized religion.

To believe that it was God's will that your loved one be taken is to believe that we have no say in anything that happens in our lives. There is no free will with this line of thinking. Consider somebody that is murdered. If it is God's will that a person died at this time, then it would also be by God's will that the murderer carried out this act. Churches often talk of sin and it's punishment, but how can there be sin if everything is God's will that has been fated to happen? I believe God created man (and not necessarily as told in the bible, but that's a different issue altogether) but gave him free will. Your life and it's path are the result of two things: choice and luck.

Then again, I wonder, was it just coincidence that made me finally reconnect with my friend Jeff just before he passed?

When It Rains It Pours

This year has barely begun and yet I'm wondering what else could go wrong. We've gotten a lot of bad news this year. Thankfully nothing that affects us directly, but our friends are suffering. It seems every week there is more bad news.

First, our good friends who also happen to be our neighbors lost their home. We were very excited when we bought this house, as all first time home buyers are. It became even better when we discovered that there were people we already knew that had just bought the house across the street from us. Even better, they were pregnant too. Our children could be long life friends! Unfortunately, the tough economy and poor planning had other things in mind. Still, there is hope. Perhaps they will be able to get their house back when the bank finally decides to put it on the market.

We learned soon after this that other people we know were suffering through post partum depression. I don't know much about this sickness, but I can tell you from dealing with these good people that it is a very real, very scary thing.

Yesterday I was able to reconnect with a fraternity brother. I have been trying unsuccessfully for years to track him down. Our various moves across country didn't help matters. I finally got smart enough to dig around on the university's alumni page and found a work e-mail for him. I was very happy.

I just received a response that tells me of his diagnosis of Lymphoma in his brain. He has been fighting it for some time now. Unfortunately, I don't know about his prognosis. I do know I'll keep him and his family in my thoughts and prayers and I won't be losing touch so easily this time.

Pressure Mounts

So it would seem that my blog title is no longer fitting. People have discovered my writings. Not just anyone either. My family.

Honestly, I'm not really sure how I feel about this. It's fun to post things and think you're an undiscovered great writer. Now people that actually know me are reading my posts. They'll know my insecurities. They'll know I'm lazy! They'll know I'm not even a writer! Ah well. Cat's out of the bag I guess.

Welcome to my head family!

Avoidance is not a Cure

I've been avoiding you haven't I? I'd like to say it hasn't been on purpose. That I've been too busy, but that wouldn't be truthful. I have been busy. Just not busy enough to not write.

There's a topic I've been afraid to deal with. Unable to talk about something else, I have avoided you on purpose. It's time to get it off my chest I think.

My mother's cancer has returned. You would think those are easy words to type. I assure you they are not. We've known for a while and suspected for longer.

Mom and Dad have decided that they are going someplace dry and warmer for the winter. It's a good decision for them as it will help mom breathe better. It's also good that they can do something like this at this stage. They've talked about it for years. I'm happy that they can do it.

Will they both return from this trip? Nobody knows. I still have hope, but I'm also scared. Sometimes, the fright wins out.

Tonight we're preparing to head north for Thanksgiving. Mom and Dad will be leaving this weekend and not return until April. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I do know I have something to be thankful for this year. We'll have this holiday together.

The Wheel Stops

"The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose.... The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of time. But it was a beginning."

So begins the "Wheel of Time" series by Robert Jordan. Unfortunately, this age's time has ended with the death of the author, one book shy of finishing the series.

This news hit me like a punch in the gut. By all accounts he was a kind and generous man. I may have never known him, but I felt connected to him through his work. I have been enjoying the series for 10 years now and currently reading book 10 of the 11 that have been published.

The first few books were amazing. Book two, The Great Hunt, remains one of my favorite fantasy books of all time. However, there were many that considered the series to have gotten too bloated and stopped reading it. While I agree there were a couple books in which it seemed that he didn't really know how to get to where he was trying to go, I think he really got back on track with the last couple.

I feel sad knowing the world he created has ended prematurely. However, I'm glad I got a chance to read what is available. Books have the power to get inside you and stay there and his did just that.

Waiting until the Bombs Drop?

I've been thinking about my place in the world and how people consider me lately and more importantly, what I'm doing to impact that.

I went to a retirement party for a friend's father several years ago. He was the Chief of Police for a local suburb for many years. He had worked in the community for something like 30 years.

What struck me were the people that came out for the celebration. There were so many people that had been touched by this man somehow. I couldn't stop thinking, "I hope I'm remembered as fondly as this guy when it's time for me to look back on my life."

Perhaps it was the song "Rooftops" by Lostprophets that has me thinking on this so much lately. If you haven't heard the song let me reprint some of the lyrics for you.

When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say we've had our fun?

Will we make a mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
.This is all we got now
Everybody scream your heart out.

All the love I've met
I have no regrets
If it all ends now, I'm set

Chorus

Standing on the rooftops
(Wait until the bombs drop)
This is all we got now
(Scream until your heart stops)
Never gonna regret
(Watching every sunset)
We'll listen to your heartbeat
(All the love that we found)

I keep going over this song and it's meaning in my head. What have I come up with? I'm still not sure.

I think for starters I'm unhappy with my career. I started right out of college with a theatre company and worked there for 10 years. I loved almost everything about the job. I made some really good friends all over the country there. Unfortunately I had to leave due to a conflict of interest when the company got bought out by a larger company.

Nothing too serious. My wife worked for the same company as I did. I was a field manager and she was an internal auditor. With the old company set up all the auditors shared responsibilities so she was just never allowed to audit whatever theatre I was working in. When we go bought out, the new company had area auditors so she would have to audit whichever theatre I'd be working in. One of us had to go so we decided I would go, but we would move back to my home state.

The only thing I don't miss about that job was working late nights, holidays and weekends. I had a lot of upward mobility at that company and I was moving fast. Of course I moved across country a couple of times to do so.

I don't get the same satisfaction with my current company. We've been losing market share around here and I don't want to move to a better market. Maybe if I had more faith in the company I would, but I just don't. They don't value their people enough. You are expected to move when they say if you want to advance. They don't reward you unless you are a high level manager. We're in the process of being sold so maybe that will change, but I don't think I want to wait around for that.

I've been in a rut for too long. I've been doing just what I have to both in work and out of it. I need to break the cycle. They say life is what you make it. It's time for me to make it into something I can be happy with. I need to stand on a rooftop and scream.

Google, Google Everywhere

Well I go away for a little bit and Google takes over. I wish I had bought stock in them when they first came out. Oh well.

I've been wanting to blog for a while, but just haven't gotten around to it. I keep coming up with different ideas on what I want to do with this. Do I want some type of theme or do I keep it all willy nilly? I don't know.

Maybe I'll do willy nilly and have some recurring theme. Although it will be an infrequent willy nilly I'm sure. I am a lazy procrastinator after all. Keep checking back all you two people that once visited 6 months ago :P