Happy Birthday! Here's a Kick in the Nuts.

My birthday was on Friday. It was also the day we found out that my mother has lung cancer.

Now I was ready for this. I fully expected it. After all, she had smoked for the better part of 40 years. Several years ago they diagnosed her with emphysema and she continued to smoke. A couple years ago they put her on oxygen and she continued to smoke. Last year she had to stop working because of it and continued to smoke.

I used to try to convince her to stop. At various times she would tell me she had and I'd find out she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I finally came to the realization that she won't ever quit and it will kill her so I stopped trying. I'm tired of her lying to me about it. It doesn't help either of us.

So after the most recent trip to the emergency room because she couldn't breathe, they found a dark mass in her lungs from the x-ray. They put her through several tests culminating with a needle biopsy.

I knew the word was coming and was preparing myself for it. I had taken half a day off work because of my birthday and found out by accident through a cousin. Mom was waiting till I got off work to call with the news. I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was.

I was trying not to cry when I talked to her. That didn't work. I tried not to let her know I was crying, but I'm sure that didn't work either. It's hard enough for me to cope with this news, I can only imagine what it would be like for the person actually going through it.

I want to stay positive. I want to think that this is something she can beat, but with her history and current condition it's difficult. But I will do it for her sake and my own. I am normally an optimist. I need to be an optimist. The alternative is too grim to think about.

I hope that she will respond well to the treatment. I hope that she will get to see her grandchildren grow up. I hope that my daughter will have actual memories of time spent with her grandmother instead of vague recollections from when she was 2. I hope.